Love me Tinder

I think I may have hit an all time Tinder low …

.. edited version ..

” (friendly chat) this may be a bit bold for a first message but I have this thing – where I like to see a lady take a big fizzy drink and then belch in my face. A belch fettish if you will .. is this something you’d be open to?”

A belch fetish – I mean is this even a thing!? and more importantly is this what I am left with?

so step back in time.. I made a conscious decision when young that I wouldn’t wait for a boyfriend to come along and make me happy. So, life is happy but in all the adventures, I have always wanted to meet that person. Friends tell me I am not asking the universe and I can assure everyone that I bloody well have. I picture the lifestyle and it’s not all hearts and flowers, I am a realist about it. I mean I have older brothers – I can see men aren’t easy to live with but never did I know that finding one to live with would be this hard.

Despite having a lot of single friends, the reality of my nights out is more about dinners and theatre than pick up bars and even when I did go to those, they didn’t bring my Prince. It’s tough and like most single people in London, Tinder is our go-to app. we play the numbers. And like most of us, I have friends that have met on every app now and it’s just tinder is in vogue.

It’s a psychological game isn’t it? you’ve matched.. do you want to chat or keep swiping?.. even then, you’ve got the equivalent of locking eyes across the club, the app gives you the option of looking past their shoulder just in case there’s someone better. Suddenly, Ian Beale is convinced he is in the league of Brad  Pitt and Jolie is about to glance his way.

And I hear (and it was like a bullet when I realised it was true) that many guys swipe yes to all. Only then when you match do they look at your profile and decide whether or not they are interested and they unmatch (punch to the gut). And guys – this is why girls don’t message first! Mystery over

Bitter? Me? you betcha and a bit ranty. Here are just a few more of the crimes against dating evident on Tinder:

  1. this is not a conversation:

“hi” (reply hi)

“how was your day?” (reply, *insert relevant description* and then lead in with a story. And finish with, how about you?)

“not bad”

and repeat daily

I mean come on guys.. there is NO comeback to that.. how does conversation happen from “not bad” and why do you want to know about a strangers day every day until we give up answering!?

2. openly married guy

now, I wont judge – well I will for a minute. but it’s easier to swipe NO, and move on. Why contact him to tell him what a shit he is and lecture him for how he is treating his wife? He knows he is wrong, he signed the marriage contract saying he wouldn’t BUT give him his dues – he told you, if you go there, you know what you’re getting into. I have zero interest of being the bit on the side and honestly, I can’t remember what any of the guys look like. Thankfully for me, it’s over in a second as I hit the X for no. I can’t help but wonder though:

Is this divorce rate noticeably increasing since Tinder? It seems just too easy now.

3. Profiles with the line: “none of your business”

I mean – imagine how that would be in real life. a guy in a bar approaches you, and you ask what they do / where they work and the reply – none of your business – you’d WALK AWAY muttering  “WEIRDO!”

4. message one asking to meet. 

Now I know from 80% of profiles I read that guys are sick of girls who seem to just want a penpal. maybe some girls are looking an ego boost and like the chat. But message one.. I mean we wouldn’t swap numbers in a bar in two seconds.. (tho I have said I am out of touch so do you?)

and that’s just a starter.

speaking to a male friend, he has his rants too but the good thing is he went back to chatting girls up in REAL LIFE!

maybe something good will come from tinder.

ooh a match – for now I will keep swiping…………..



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